What's wrong with me? Not that I expect anyone to answer this, more along the lines of I want to put this out so that it's off my chest and my mind and then I can move on.....

I am an oxymoron: I am a shy social creature. I can find plenty of "friends" online because I don't have to do the "face-2-face". I think my life was a bit better BEFORE I found the internet when it comes to my self-esteem. Before the internet, I was a homebody that did not realize that there were actually people that got together on a regular basis with each other and liked it!

I didn't know that some of the people that I went to high school still hung out with the same people. I really didn't run with anyone. Well, let me rephrase that, I was always the stand in person. My junior year, I hung out with a friend whose BFF was a foreign exchange student. When she came back, I was put to the waste side so to speak.

Actually, I think THAT is the main problem. I am the substitute for just about everyone outside my husband and children. I am the person that people email, IM or call when who they really want to talk to is otherwise busy.

I am/was the substitute granddaughter for my grandma when my little sister wasn't being a part of the family or when my cousin moved away and quit coming over to see her. She loves it when I come over (She lives next door with my parents) and no one is there.... Gives her company. We both sew: I sew clothing and such, she quilts. I was going to quilt too, but it's too time consuming for the most part for me right now. Maybe that's a little more of why she is so hot and cold with me. At any rate, it hurts massively that this is what I think about her.

I am the substitute friend, it seems, for a girl that I used to have playdates with. She was the closest thing that I have had in a close friend in a LONG time. I have ruined it though. She got distant for a bit with her life and I retreated into myself and won't let her in anymore. Well, that and I just can't take hearing about her and her husband anymore. To me, sex lives are not to be discussed. That and the fact that her stories are never the same: one minute her husband is rolling in the jobs (contractor) and the next, he's been out of work for weeks and they are going to have to cancel their internet and cable. Just doesn't add up.

So, here I sit when I should be cutting fabric to make costumes and wondering what it is that I am doing wrong. Why don't I have friends that call to check up on me? And how can I find friends? I thought I had some at church but apparently those people only talk to me when I attend church. I take that back, one person has emailed me to check up on me. But she is so busy with her job, kids, husband and a deacon at the church, that she doesn't have much time for me.

It's been a year since I have seen my BFF. I have known her since I was a preschooler. We don't get to talk often. She's three hours away now. I went up to her house last summer and we spent a few days together: her family and mine minus my hubby. He was on AT. Years apart from each other and we stayed up til the wee hours talking like school girls.

That's what I want. Someone that I can talk to. Someone that I can share things with. Someone that I can text, lol. Someone who will camp out on my front steps until I let them in. Will not judge me by the cleanliness of my house. Will give me a hug when I need one and remind me that I am not alone in anything that happens. Someone who will not only hold my hand when I am scared but will get into trouble with me when the time arises, lol.

Life is not a guarantee. My husband could be taken away from me and who will I have as a friend? No one.