I Think I Am Lost

I am sitting by the computer because I have to have it to do the embroidery on the 25 book sacks for an order. Can't really do anything else because it only takes a few minutes for each name to sew out. Thankfully, it's the same name 25 times! lol But tedious nonetheless.

This week is an exciting week for my family. My mom's birthday was yesterday, my anniversary is today and Zack's birthday is Saturday. Add in the dance schedules and school schedules and the fact that Tony had Monday and Tuesday off, and we have had a packed week so far.

Then there is Wednesday night church groups......Brie and Thomas are getting into the youth groups pretty heavy and I have to say that I am happy for that! They are even doing the Sunday night classes! It's something that I didn't have as a teenager and I hope that they come out of all this closer to God and better people for it. I know that Thomas needs it very much.

But, this isn't about Thomas, this is about me.

I am taking a class on Wednesday nights that is entitled: "Why We Believe What We Believe". It spoke to me more than "How To Raise a Teenager" when I was trying to pick out what class to take. I figure that I need to be closer to God before I can really raise great kids. Gotta have the good foundation before I can build, you know?

Anyway, after last night's class, I have come to the conclusion that I am lost. Not lost, as in there is no hope for me, but lost as in I have a lot of things that I need to think about and change in order to become a good Christian. To be honest, I don't even know if I am walking with God or just pretending to. There is a lot of hate and animosity in my heart and my mind towards some people. But mainly, towards me. I beat myself up a lot, too much really. I procrastinate about things because, I hate failure and confrontation. I don't believe I have what it takes most of the time. I am scared. I am broken.

I want to fix my mistakes but I have no idea how to do that anymore. And, I don't want to make anymore mistakes either.

When I get the kids down for a nap (or in Ana's case, rest time) I think that I will list in here what I do believe in then what I am fearful of. That may be a good start.