Things in my life seem to be in an upheaval, at least to me in my mind. I am not good with confrontation and I am going to have to confront myself and fix problems that I have created by not taking responsibility of mistakes or problems. It bites to have to be an adult! Finances are going to be the death of me.
There, I said it. Now, I just need to do something about it. First thing is to no let fear set in everytime that I hear the phone ring or go get the mail.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
What I Believe in My Heart
Okay, Zack is in his crib and Ana is watching her "Max and Ruby". Me? Still working on those book sacks, the embroidery that is, and now for the soul search.
What I Believe in My Heart:
1. God only gives you what you can handle. But that doesn't mean that what life gives you is from God. He gave man this great thing called "free will" and it's up to the man to use it correctly. Follow God or not.
2. The bible is the truth. The whole truth and nothing but the truth. Problem is, I don't read enough of it.
When it comes down to it, that's all that is definiative in my heart about being a Christian. I have more questions about what I believe in and if it's even Christian to believe in what I do believe in.
What I Believe in My Heart:
1. God only gives you what you can handle. But that doesn't mean that what life gives you is from God. He gave man this great thing called "free will" and it's up to the man to use it correctly. Follow God or not.
2. The bible is the truth. The whole truth and nothing but the truth. Problem is, I don't read enough of it.
When it comes down to it, that's all that is definiative in my heart about being a Christian. I have more questions about what I believe in and if it's even Christian to believe in what I do believe in.
I Think I Am Lost
I am sitting by the computer because I have to have it to do the embroidery on the 25 book sacks for an order. Can't really do anything else because it only takes a few minutes for each name to sew out. Thankfully, it's the same name 25 times! lol But tedious nonetheless.
This week is an exciting week for my family. My mom's birthday was yesterday, my anniversary is today and Zack's birthday is Saturday. Add in the dance schedules and school schedules and the fact that Tony had Monday and Tuesday off, and we have had a packed week so far.
Then there is Wednesday night church groups......Brie and Thomas are getting into the youth groups pretty heavy and I have to say that I am happy for that! They are even doing the Sunday night classes! It's something that I didn't have as a teenager and I hope that they come out of all this closer to God and better people for it. I know that Thomas needs it very much.
But, this isn't about Thomas, this is about me.
I am taking a class on Wednesday nights that is entitled: "Why We Believe What We Believe". It spoke to me more than "How To Raise a Teenager" when I was trying to pick out what class to take. I figure that I need to be closer to God before I can really raise great kids. Gotta have the good foundation before I can build, you know?
Anyway, after last night's class, I have come to the conclusion that I am lost. Not lost, as in there is no hope for me, but lost as in I have a lot of things that I need to think about and change in order to become a good Christian. To be honest, I don't even know if I am walking with God or just pretending to. There is a lot of hate and animosity in my heart and my mind towards some people. But mainly, towards me. I beat myself up a lot, too much really. I procrastinate about things because, I hate failure and confrontation. I don't believe I have what it takes most of the time. I am scared. I am broken.
I want to fix my mistakes but I have no idea how to do that anymore. And, I don't want to make anymore mistakes either.
When I get the kids down for a nap (or in Ana's case, rest time) I think that I will list in here what I do believe in then what I am fearful of. That may be a good start.
This week is an exciting week for my family. My mom's birthday was yesterday, my anniversary is today and Zack's birthday is Saturday. Add in the dance schedules and school schedules and the fact that Tony had Monday and Tuesday off, and we have had a packed week so far.
Then there is Wednesday night church groups......Brie and Thomas are getting into the youth groups pretty heavy and I have to say that I am happy for that! They are even doing the Sunday night classes! It's something that I didn't have as a teenager and I hope that they come out of all this closer to God and better people for it. I know that Thomas needs it very much.
But, this isn't about Thomas, this is about me.
I am taking a class on Wednesday nights that is entitled: "Why We Believe What We Believe". It spoke to me more than "How To Raise a Teenager" when I was trying to pick out what class to take. I figure that I need to be closer to God before I can really raise great kids. Gotta have the good foundation before I can build, you know?
Anyway, after last night's class, I have come to the conclusion that I am lost. Not lost, as in there is no hope for me, but lost as in I have a lot of things that I need to think about and change in order to become a good Christian. To be honest, I don't even know if I am walking with God or just pretending to. There is a lot of hate and animosity in my heart and my mind towards some people. But mainly, towards me. I beat myself up a lot, too much really. I procrastinate about things because, I hate failure and confrontation. I don't believe I have what it takes most of the time. I am scared. I am broken.
I want to fix my mistakes but I have no idea how to do that anymore. And, I don't want to make anymore mistakes either.
When I get the kids down for a nap (or in Ana's case, rest time) I think that I will list in here what I do believe in then what I am fearful of. That may be a good start.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
What's wrong with me? Not that I expect anyone to answer this, more along the lines of I want to put this out so that it's off my chest and my mind and then I can move on.....
I am an oxymoron: I am a shy social creature. I can find plenty of "friends" online because I don't have to do the "face-2-face". I think my life was a bit better BEFORE I found the internet when it comes to my self-esteem. Before the internet, I was a homebody that did not realize that there were actually people that got together on a regular basis with each other and liked it!
I didn't know that some of the people that I went to high school still hung out with the same people. I really didn't run with anyone. Well, let me rephrase that, I was always the stand in person. My junior year, I hung out with a friend whose BFF was a foreign exchange student. When she came back, I was put to the waste side so to speak.
Actually, I think THAT is the main problem. I am the substitute for just about everyone outside my husband and children. I am the person that people email, IM or call when who they really want to talk to is otherwise busy.
I am/was the substitute granddaughter for my grandma when my little sister wasn't being a part of the family or when my cousin moved away and quit coming over to see her. She loves it when I come over (She lives next door with my parents) and no one is there.... Gives her company. We both sew: I sew clothing and such, she quilts. I was going to quilt too, but it's too time consuming for the most part for me right now. Maybe that's a little more of why she is so hot and cold with me. At any rate, it hurts massively that this is what I think about her.
I am the substitute friend, it seems, for a girl that I used to have playdates with. She was the closest thing that I have had in a close friend in a LONG time. I have ruined it though. She got distant for a bit with her life and I retreated into myself and won't let her in anymore. Well, that and I just can't take hearing about her and her husband anymore. To me, sex lives are not to be discussed. That and the fact that her stories are never the same: one minute her husband is rolling in the jobs (contractor) and the next, he's been out of work for weeks and they are going to have to cancel their internet and cable. Just doesn't add up.
So, here I sit when I should be cutting fabric to make costumes and wondering what it is that I am doing wrong. Why don't I have friends that call to check up on me? And how can I find friends? I thought I had some at church but apparently those people only talk to me when I attend church. I take that back, one person has emailed me to check up on me. But she is so busy with her job, kids, husband and a deacon at the church, that she doesn't have much time for me.
It's been a year since I have seen my BFF. I have known her since I was a preschooler. We don't get to talk often. She's three hours away now. I went up to her house last summer and we spent a few days together: her family and mine minus my hubby. He was on AT. Years apart from each other and we stayed up til the wee hours talking like school girls.
That's what I want. Someone that I can talk to. Someone that I can share things with. Someone that I can text, lol. Someone who will camp out on my front steps until I let them in. Will not judge me by the cleanliness of my house. Will give me a hug when I need one and remind me that I am not alone in anything that happens. Someone who will not only hold my hand when I am scared but will get into trouble with me when the time arises, lol.
Life is not a guarantee. My husband could be taken away from me and who will I have as a friend? No one.
I am an oxymoron: I am a shy social creature. I can find plenty of "friends" online because I don't have to do the "face-2-face". I think my life was a bit better BEFORE I found the internet when it comes to my self-esteem. Before the internet, I was a homebody that did not realize that there were actually people that got together on a regular basis with each other and liked it!
I didn't know that some of the people that I went to high school still hung out with the same people. I really didn't run with anyone. Well, let me rephrase that, I was always the stand in person. My junior year, I hung out with a friend whose BFF was a foreign exchange student. When she came back, I was put to the waste side so to speak.
Actually, I think THAT is the main problem. I am the substitute for just about everyone outside my husband and children. I am the person that people email, IM or call when who they really want to talk to is otherwise busy.
I am/was the substitute granddaughter for my grandma when my little sister wasn't being a part of the family or when my cousin moved away and quit coming over to see her. She loves it when I come over (She lives next door with my parents) and no one is there.... Gives her company. We both sew: I sew clothing and such, she quilts. I was going to quilt too, but it's too time consuming for the most part for me right now. Maybe that's a little more of why she is so hot and cold with me. At any rate, it hurts massively that this is what I think about her.
I am the substitute friend, it seems, for a girl that I used to have playdates with. She was the closest thing that I have had in a close friend in a LONG time. I have ruined it though. She got distant for a bit with her life and I retreated into myself and won't let her in anymore. Well, that and I just can't take hearing about her and her husband anymore. To me, sex lives are not to be discussed. That and the fact that her stories are never the same: one minute her husband is rolling in the jobs (contractor) and the next, he's been out of work for weeks and they are going to have to cancel their internet and cable. Just doesn't add up.
So, here I sit when I should be cutting fabric to make costumes and wondering what it is that I am doing wrong. Why don't I have friends that call to check up on me? And how can I find friends? I thought I had some at church but apparently those people only talk to me when I attend church. I take that back, one person has emailed me to check up on me. But she is so busy with her job, kids, husband and a deacon at the church, that she doesn't have much time for me.
It's been a year since I have seen my BFF. I have known her since I was a preschooler. We don't get to talk often. She's three hours away now. I went up to her house last summer and we spent a few days together: her family and mine minus my hubby. He was on AT. Years apart from each other and we stayed up til the wee hours talking like school girls.
That's what I want. Someone that I can talk to. Someone that I can share things with. Someone that I can text, lol. Someone who will camp out on my front steps until I let them in. Will not judge me by the cleanliness of my house. Will give me a hug when I need one and remind me that I am not alone in anything that happens. Someone who will not only hold my hand when I am scared but will get into trouble with me when the time arises, lol.
Life is not a guarantee. My husband could be taken away from me and who will I have as a friend? No one.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Rambling thoughts while on Vacation
As I was sitting outside yesterday watching my youngest two play in their grandparents backyard, I wondered to myself....
What would people say if I told them that I didn't want to be a mom anymore?
Not that I really BELIEVE this statement, but the thought slips in sometimes...
like when DH is on drill, AT, or off at some other training and I am alone with my kids and they are trying my patience.
like in the middle of the night when all I want to do is sleep and the kids are tag teaming on no sleep.
like when the kids keep disrespecting me or hubby. All I want to do is SWAK them a great one with some sense!
like when I am sick. A mom is never able to be sick.
like when my family points out all the things that I do wrong as a mom. This is an everyday occurrence. Really. It's aweful.
like when potty-training.
like when I have teenagers.
like when my depression gets the best of me.
Like I said, I love my kids more than my life, but a person can only take so much. The thing that is the worst is the daily hearing from family and friends of how I am screwing up and doing things wrong. I have yet to meet a perfect kid or a perfect parent.
What would people say if I told them that I didn't want to be a mom anymore?
Not that I really BELIEVE this statement, but the thought slips in sometimes...
like when DH is on drill, AT, or off at some other training and I am alone with my kids and they are trying my patience.
like in the middle of the night when all I want to do is sleep and the kids are tag teaming on no sleep.
like when the kids keep disrespecting me or hubby. All I want to do is SWAK them a great one with some sense!
like when I am sick. A mom is never able to be sick.
like when my family points out all the things that I do wrong as a mom. This is an everyday occurrence. Really. It's aweful.
like when potty-training.
like when I have teenagers.
like when my depression gets the best of me.
Like I said, I love my kids more than my life, but a person can only take so much. The thing that is the worst is the daily hearing from family and friends of how I am screwing up and doing things wrong. I have yet to meet a perfect kid or a perfect parent.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Next time, I want to be the man!
Don't get me wrong, I KNOW that men have it hard too. It's just a different type of hard life.
I want to be able to sleep when the kids are sick.
I want to be able to say, they don't want me, they want you.
I want to be able to escape to work.
I want to be taken care of when I am sick.
I want to be able to help my wife the best that I can.
I am tired of being the parent that the kids want up with them in the middle of the night. Or the one that has to take them to the ER when the fever reaches 103. Or the one responsible for keeping everything and everyone together.
I love my husband and he does his best to take care of me, but what can he do when the kids only want mommy?Saturday, June 6, 2009
I'm Tired
Of what you ask?
1. Being taken advantage of. I am feeling that every time I turn around, someone is wanting me to do something for them. If I stand up and say, "No", then I am berated for not helping them.
2. Being made to feel like I am a bad mother. I was recently told my mom that my 3rd and 4th children are horrible. Not on schedules and run me, not the other way around. That my first two children were great at this age.
3. Of being depressed.
4. Of feeling alone. I spend a great deal of time at home with just two little kids. I try to run a home-based sewing business too.
5. Not being taken as an adult by my parents. I think 35, six kids and a master's degree qualifies. It's more than they have anyway.
6. Being talked down to.
7. Not having my BFF close to me. Hell, having a friend around that doesn't seem to be in competition with me.
8. Not being able to talk freely about what I believe in.
9. Living where I do because of the dreams that I have for my future.
10. This economy. It sucks. It isn't going to get better with the current administration either.
I will elaborate on most of this later. I got a sleepy nursing boy, noodles boiling on the stove in the kitchen and a 3 year old running amuck...
1. Being taken advantage of. I am feeling that every time I turn around, someone is wanting me to do something for them. If I stand up and say, "No", then I am berated for not helping them.
2. Being made to feel like I am a bad mother. I was recently told my mom that my 3rd and 4th children are horrible. Not on schedules and run me, not the other way around. That my first two children were great at this age.
3. Of being depressed.
4. Of feeling alone. I spend a great deal of time at home with just two little kids. I try to run a home-based sewing business too.
5. Not being taken as an adult by my parents. I think 35, six kids and a master's degree qualifies. It's more than they have anyway.
6. Being talked down to.
7. Not having my BFF close to me. Hell, having a friend around that doesn't seem to be in competition with me.
8. Not being able to talk freely about what I believe in.
9. Living where I do because of the dreams that I have for my future.
10. This economy. It sucks. It isn't going to get better with the current administration either.
I will elaborate on most of this later. I got a sleepy nursing boy, noodles boiling on the stove in the kitchen and a 3 year old running amuck...
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